Things I Know For Sure, At the Rest Stop of Forty-Five and a Half

  1. Bigger kids, bigger wine glasses.
  2. Soon means never. As in “let’s get together soon!”
  3. Sleep is for the just. And for the heavily medicated.
  4. No one is talking about you, and everyone is talking about you. So just do whatever the hell you want, anyway.
  5. Add four weeks to every estimate given to you by a contractor. Even it’s just to install a shelf. One shelf. Four weeks. Six, if he’s your brother-in-law or first cousin.
  6. You’re going to die. Not in the next eight minutes, but with each passing ¬†year, the odds are becoming increasingly likely. Especially if you keep celebrating your birthdays with hookers and coke. Or even worse, with Fudgie the Whale birthday cakes. Because that Carvel shit’ll kill you.
  7. Should is a four-letter word. Just with two silent letters.
  8. Music was better then. It just was. No matter what your fourteen year-old says.
  9. The popcorn and soda combo at the movie theater is not a better deal. Sure, it seems so at the time, but at 3 am the next morning, in the pale light of the bathroom vanity mirror, you gain clarity.
  10. You’re not as talented as you think, or you’re more talented than you know. You’ll never find out unless you do the damn thing. Write it. Paint it. Sing it. Knit it. Create it. Do it.
  11. Your mother was right about certain hairstyles, wardrobe and footwear choices, ex-boyfriends, apartments, and sectional couches. Let her know before it’s too late.
  12. Writing one page a day means you’ve written 365 pages in a year. 244 pages make for a decent book. Do the math. Then write it, for God’s sakes. See #6.
  13. Little boys still need to sit on their mother’s laps sometimes and be rocked. Especially on Monday mornings. Worried, middle-aged men still need similar acts of kindness. Especially on Sunday nights. Nurture men, young and old. Be tender with them. Heal the hearts of little boys inside grown men. It helps the world in the long run.
  14. It’s better to give love away. All the time.
  15. All deep house music tracks are about 1:30 too long.
  16. If you feel the same lump in the exact same place on the opposite side of your body, you probably don’t need to call the doctor.
  17. The fourth cocktail is never, ever worth the trouble. Even if someone else paid for it.
  18. Smartphones have not made us smarter.
  19. No one is perfect. Most of all, you.
  20. Comment less. Nod more.
  21. Have sex now. As much as you can. Say yes to each other. Don’t worry about thighs or paunches. Dim the hi-hats. Light candles. Be available. Laugh.
  22. There is no hell. Except the one you create for yourself.
  23. The view of Manhattan from Brooklyn’s River Cafe is the Ninth Wonder of the World.
  24. Happiness is often unattainable. Run towards it anyway.
  25. Don’t eat the food under the heat lamp at the highway rest stop. It’s an interstate conspiracy to force you to stop multiple times along the way, use the bathroom again and be tempted by even more disgusting food, and become trapped in a cyclical hell of travel. Pack a lunch instead. You’ll make better time.
  26. If he kisses you on your forehead, pays the bills on time and is kind to your mother, then he loves you.
  27. Don’t wait for the sign. It never comes. But look for it afterwards. It always shows up afterwards.
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  1. How wise you are Kathleen. Keep writing.

  2. Can we be besties? Please? Great list, great writing.

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