Things You Overhear at Outerborough Irish Holiday Tables

I don’t always know the correct answers to game show questions, but if “Things You Overhear at Outerborough Irish Holiday Tables” were a category on Dick Clark’s $10,000 Pyramid – merciful mother of God, would I nail it.


“Who made the turnips?”

“How’d you come? You take the parkway? I had to take the service road all the way down, what with the traffic.”

“Everybody’s an idiot behind the wheel. Like they’re giving out driver’s licenses in gumball machines.”

“You believe the traffic on the bridge? Standstill. A parking lot.”

“Put the roast back in for a few more hours. If it’s pink, it’s not cooked enough.”

“Is that Mommy’s Persian lamb jacket? Daddy said I could have it. Why is it hanging in your front closet?” [OVER SHOULDER] “DADDY! Why does she have it?”

“Didja see the house? I drove past the house on the way ovuh heah. They don’t keep it nice at all now. The whole block’s run-down. If Daddy wasn’t already dead, it’d kill him to see it now.”

“You can’t get a good cut of meat anymore. Not nowhere.”

“Who made the stuffing? It’s a little dry.”

“I don’t care for that kind of talk.”

“You know what I make? A turkey breast.”

“Is this Aunt Margaret’s silver service? Uncle Tommy said I could have it. Why do you have it?” [OVER SHOULDER] “MOMMY! Why does she have it?”

“It’s good, but she don’t make it like Mommy did. Mommy used raisins/croutons/bacon bits/butter/lard/apple chunks/apple skins/marshmallows/chopped onions/celery/white wine/Bell’s seasoning/cheesecloth/more waw-tuh.”

“You’re either a good cook or a good baker. Never both.”

“Don’t give Aunt Rose any more brandy. She’s cut off. Tell her we ran out.”

“Every year I had to make that mincemeat pie. And nobody ate it.”

“Don’t ask your brother why she’s not coming for dessert this year. Just don’t ask. Wait ’til he tells you.”

“Don’t say nothin’.”

“Don’t tell nobody.”

“You didn’t hear it from me.”

“We’re outta whipped cream for the pies. I’m goin’ down tuh McAleer’s Pub to see if Jerry has a can of Reddi-Whip behind the bar. Don’t wait for me.”

“Put the 1010 WINS on before you get in the car. Or you’ll be sitting in the tunnel until Christmas morning.”

“May she rest in peace.”

“I’ll be talkin’ to yuh.”

“Two short rings and I know you got home safe.”


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  1. Loved every comment! I didn’t grow up with an extended family (other than my 9 brothers and sisters) so missed out on those goofy aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. I envy your rich heritage and all it entails.

    • Thank you, sweet Suzie. You didn’t grow up with extended family but you had NINE brothers and sisters? :) I’m an only child. Would have killed for that, but I’m sure the grass is always greener. ‘Tis a blessing to be Irish — and from New York. It’s true. XO

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