SH-T RIDGEWOOD MOMS SAY

 
We just moved here from Manhattan.
We used to live in Brooklyn but the schools there are terrible.
We lived in Hoboken and I couldn’t carry the baby up six flights every day.
 
Oh my God the taxes!
How do people pay these taxes?
How much are your taxes?
 
He got transferred.
He got laid off.
He’s doing the reverse commute to Greenwich.
 
He works for UBS.
He works for JPMorgan.
He works for a hedge fund.
He works for a law firm.
He’s in commercial real estate.
I don’t know what the hell he does, actually. 
 
He takes the bus.
He leaves so early that he just drives in.
He works from home three days a week and I’m going to
f-cking kill him.
 
I work from home.
I’m not working anymore.
I need to go back to work.
 
I go to Tenafly Pediatrics.
I go to North Jersey Pediatrics.
I’ve got six kids. I just go to the ER.
 
I’d never let them play video games.
They only have the Wii. I’d never let them get the XBox — it’s too violent.
I’m on the phone!  Go play XBox!
 
What school do they go to?
What school do your kids go to?
What school are they in?
 
One in Somerville, and one in the RED program.
Two in Hawes, and one in BF.
One in Willard, one in GW and one at the high school.
 
I just can’t send him to preschool every day! I’d miss him too much!
I thought Ridgewood had a full-day kindergarten when I moved here.
I send them to Glen Rock because they have the full-day kindergarten. And the extended day.
 
I do Pilates.
I spin on Wednesdays.
Oh my God, I love hot yoga.
 
We need to re-do the kitchen.
We’re getting the bathroom re-done.
I will never renovate another house again.
 
BF or GW?
 
You’re not getting a phone.
 
BF or GW?
 
You’re not getting a phone.
 
BF or GW?
 
You’re not getting a phone.
 
She got really skinny, didn’t she?
She looks great! What’s going on with her?
She’s too thin. Why is she so thin?
 
Who watched Mob Wives last night?
Who watched Real Housewives of New York last night?
Who watched Real Housewives of New Jersey last night?
 
I saw Caroline at La Lanterna.
I saw Danielle at Biddy basketball.
I saw Dina at the drug store.
 
She looks terrible!
She looks weird in real life!
They wear so much make up on TV! 
I’d look that good too if I had a stylist!
Her hairline is even lower in person!
 
She’s had work done.
Those boobs aren’t real.
She gets Botox.
She got a spray tan — you can totally tell.  
It’s January! Who looks like that in January?
 
Did you check your email?
Sorry — I’m checking my email.
Did she check her email? 
She never checks her email.
If your kids do sports, you have to check your email!
Why doesn’t that woman check her email?
Does this coach think I check email every minute of the day?
 
I read it on the Ridgewood Blog.
I saw it on northjersey.com.
It was in the Ridgewood Patch. I think. 
 
I’ll have a glass of red wine.
I’ll have a beer.
I brought Skinny Girl but you have to add more tequila to it or it’s not really a drink.
 
I love the city.
We never go into the city anymore.
We should go into the city.
Do you know how much it costs to park in the city and get tickets? Forget it.
 
I dropped my iPhone.
I had to get a new iPhone.
I can’t answer my phone — my kids have to do it. “Sweetie! Answer Mommy’s phone!”
 
I can’t — he’s going to Dads’ Night practice.
Can’t — they’ve got Dads’ Night practice.
I thought they had Dads’ Night practice.
Wait a minute — Dads’ Night is over! Why is he still going to practice?
 
I only buy organic milk.
They only eat whole wheat bread.
I sneak Doritos after everyone’s asleep.
 
She joined the Women’s Club.
I should join the Women’s Club.
Next year I’ll join the Women’s Club.
 
I can’t — I have book group.
I’m reading it for book group.
I didn’t finish the book for book group.
I can’t keep doing book group.
 
I’m her troop leader.
He’s the den leader.
We’re so ready to hand it off to somebody else.
 
This neighborhood used to be a golf course.
I thought our neighborhood used to be a golf course.
No one knows where the golf course was  – all the records got destroyed in Hurricane Floyd.
 
I hate Route 17 on a Saturday!
Why can’t I just buy socks on a Sunday?
I don’t go near Garden State Plaza after Thanksgiving.
I shop online.
 
Good job!
Okay?
Good job!
Okay?
Good job!
Okay?
 
Are you on Facebook?
Did you see what she wrote on Facebook?
She’s always on Facebook, “liking” everything! 
Oh my God, why did I “friend” her?
Why are these kids all on Facebook?
Does your daughter have an Instagram account?
My son isn’t allowed to have SnapChat.
If Steve Jobs wasn’t already dead, I’d wish he was. 

 

I could never do Jamboree.
She’s perfect for Jamboree.
With a body like that, she could totally do Jamboree.


Do you have power?
Do they have power?
Why is there power across the street but we don’t have power?
The west side always get their power back first.
They’re on the Valley grid — the Graydon Pool neighborhood always gets their power back first.
She said she has power but no cable. So what good is that?


Will they close school?
I hope they don’t close school over this — it’s a dusting!
They need to close school — it’s an ice rink out there!
If they close school again tomorrow, I’m going to slit my wrists with a broken red wine bottle.

Did you see Vets Field?
Did you get any water in the basement?
We had to rip up the carpet. 
It’s alright — I hated that carpet.
 
They go to PorchLight.
They go to StageRight.
She’s doing New Players.
 
I’m against the Renewal.
I’m for the Renewal.
What the hell is going on with Valley Hospital?
 
I’m taking them to Bingo Night.
I’m taking them to the school art show.
I’m taking them to Fitness Night.
I’m taking them to the end-of-year picnic.
I hate going to the school stuff when my husband’s out of town.
 
There are too many fundraisers!
I hate writing checks all the time!
I wish they still did the gift wrap. I love the gift wrap.
You know what they should do? They should have another fundraiser.
 
I’m on the board.
I’m heading up the socials this year.
I could never be HSA President.
 
I go to Great Expectations.
I go to Sasha.
I go to Haruo — but I never get Haruo.
 
My roots are terrible.
I need to go every four weeks.
I should go every four weeks but I stretch it to five.
I can’t take this baseball cap off until Saturday morning.
 
You should run for Board of Ed.
You should run for Village Council.
You should run for Mayor.
 
My family’s from Ridgewood.
My husband grew up in Ridgewood.
I grew up in Ridgewood, but my parents live in Mahwah.
 
I went to Ridgewood High School.
I went to IHA.
I went to Bergen Catholic.
I went to Don Bosco.
I heard he got kicked out of St. Joe’s.
 
She’s a phenomenal teacher.
You have to request that teacher. Put it in writing.
He’s the worst teacher at the school.
You can’t let him get that teacher.
Who’s her teacher this year?
 
There’s no pool at Arcola.
There’s no golf course at Indian Trails.
I don’t know anybody at Ridgewood Country Club. I could never get in.
 
My friend works at Weichert.
My friend works at Marron Gildea.
My friend works at Tarvin.
 
I just have to run up to Tice’s Corner.
I need to go to Riverside and return it.
I have to go to the mall.
I hate the mall.
 
I never go to Graydon. My kids got Coxsackie every year so I stopped going.
I love Graydon. Look at the ducks!
What the hell is going on with Graydon?
 
I know her from Mt. Carmel.
I know her from Montessori.
I know her from playgroup.
 
I go to New York Sports.
I go to Ethos.
I go to Parisi’s.


I froze my gym membership.
Why would I pay that much for one class a week?
I can never get a spin bike.


I run at 5:30 am.
I run at 6:00 am.
I was supposed to run today.
I need a running partner.
Who wants to run with me in the morning?
 
She hates swimming — but I take her anyway.
We tried UK Elite but he gave me a hard time every week.
She begged me to do dance but now she wants to quit.
 
Do you know how much that lacrosse equipment cost?
Do you know how much those recital costumes cost?
Do you know how much those basketball shoes cost?
 
She’s doing the Graydon camp.
He’s doing the lacrosse camp.
She’s doing too many camps.
 
He’s doing rec.
She’s trying out for travel.
They’ll just have to choose at some point between the two.
 
Do you want to carpool?
Can she carpool with us?
Did you ask her to carpool?
I should have asked her to carpool. I forgot and now I feel bad. She just saw me in the parking lot and now I can’t get out of the car.
 
I love lacrosse — it’s only an hour.
I love soccer — you’re in and you’re out.
Oh my God. These baseball games last forever!  And it’s still ninety degrees at 6:30 pm!
 
I’ve gotta go to Dick’s.
I went to Sports Authority but they were out of them.
They never have it at Modell’s.

Once they go to elementary school you can’t get into the classroom.
Once they go to middle school there are no parent-teacher conferences.
Once they go to high school you don’t know what the hell’s going on.
 
What’s she doing this weekend? Is she going to the…
Don’t say anything about the birthday party.
She didn’t get an invite. Don’t worry about it.
I never RSVP’ed to the birthday party.
I forgot to take her to the birthday party.
I have to drop off a gift.
We never had birthday parties like this when I was little.  We just had cake and a few friends.
You have to invite the whole class.
I mean, you can’t invite the whole class!


I checked Skyward.
I checked Skyward again.
Skyward isn’t working.

I used to walk everywhere in the city.
I’m in the car all day long.
My kids ate bananas and dry cereal for dinner in the back seat of the car before practice.
I just have to stop for gas before we go home, ok?
 
We live on the west side now.
We live on the east side now.
We moved out of Ridgewood once our kids were finished with high school.
Just wait until they start kindergarten.
Just wait until they get to middle school.
Just wait until they go to high school.
 
Ridgewood isn’t the same town anymore.

My kids loved Ridgewood.

I miss Ridgewood.
I made the best friends in Ridgewood.
You should move to Ridgewood.
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Comments

  1. So great!! Love it :)

  2. Thanks Stacey!

  3. Chris Gubb says:

    Just stumbled on this post this morning. Hysterical. How did you capture the culture in such a short time? As a longtime resident, it took me years. Great insight. Thoroughly enjoyed.
    Maybe a good link to send my clients moving into town.

  4. I’m exhausted just reading this. Ridgewood’s a great town. Most people are very caring and kind. One can get caught up in too many activities especially when it comes to the kids. My kids are grown up now. A little kind advice, your kids need your attention more than they need so many activities. When they’re grown you will wish that you read to them more,baked with them more, and laid in the grass and looked at the clouds with them more. Also no matter how much you love them and want them to succeed they need to be more independent and fall on their face sometimes. They will learn much more from failure than anything else.

    Also you need to have some friends at Keller Williams. It’s the happening place :).

    • Thanks for your comment, Marilyn! I actually embody your style of parenting. We choose not to involve our children in too many activities, and I consider myself quite an “old-school” parent who believes in encouraging and teaching independence. I agree wholeheartedly with your approach! Ridgewood is a great town, and we feel quite fortunate to live here. You can switch out the name “Ridgewood” with a host of other towns across America, and find very similar conversations taking place. I’m thrilled to see that the blog post has given so many people a chuckle today on yet another snow day. Sometimes, we need to just have a good laugh — especially at ourselves. :)

  5. Pilar Meola says:

    Very very funny and spot on.

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