Realistic New Year’s Resolutions for Our Modern Age

1. Don’t eat any more friggin’ Christmas-infused Hershey’s Kisses, Peeps, M&Ms; or candy canes in January because “they’ll just go to waste.”  Throw them in the garbage and rest easy that they will remain edible in a garbage dump for generations to come. Those fuckers have the half-life of uranium.

2. Stop saying fuckers. Fuck. Try not to swear a lot.

3. Stop saying you like, enjoy, or occasionally watch reality TV shows for the sake of polite conversation at cocktail parties. Instead, raise your right fist in the air and yell “Fight da power!” until you’re asked to leave. Trust me, people. The revolution will not be televised.

4. Don’t hate the mother who saunters into spin class sporting the keys to her Porsche, perfectly coiffed nails and hair, size 0 Prada workout wear, perky breasts, and flawless skin that refuses to even share a hint of her probable Botox addiction (and only “glistens” with a fresh linen scent, while mine oozes red wine, bacon and Snickers during spin jumps). Just trip her when class is over, without getting caught.

5. Remember that “fill it to the rim” is the old advertising slogan for Brim decaffeinated coffee, not a mantra for wineglasses.

6. Get my husband into bed without the use of devices. Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about the iPad, the iPhone, the BlackBerry and the Droid.

7. Don’t buy more “organizers” from the Container Store, Home Depot and Lillian Vernon to feel de-cluttered. Just buy less shit stuff.

8. Strive for “good enough.” Mothers who never yell, cry, screw up, make mistakes, forget things, and unabashedly lose it from time to time are mothers who don’t exist.

9. Stop with the guilt and start with the laughing, so much that people turn heads in restaurants and at public events because of the crazy, cackling woman making a spectacle of herself.

10. Eat more veggies. And fruits. And whole grains and organic everything you can afford. And drink more water out of filtered taps and glass bottles. Those crazy crunchy hippie people? They were right.

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