Our founding fathers (and mothers)…

In honor of Independence Day, and of the courageous men (and women) who liberated us from British rule and paved the way for baseball, fast-food drive-thru windows, high-fructose corn syrup, “Wheel of Fortune,” and of course, The Mall of America…here’s a re-run of a blog post I wrote earlier this year. Happy birthday, America!
This just popped up on the internet this morning via Etsy: Benjamin Franklin’s Daily Schedule.
Guess what, Ben Franklin? If I had this kind of schedule, I could have invented electricity, too. And a whole lot of other crap.
You know what I’d like to see? His wife’s daily schedule. I’m thinking it goes something like this:

5:00 – 7:00 am – Rise, wash Ben’s clothing, feet and ass; powder Ben’s wig; chop wood for cooking breakfast; feed and clothe Ben’s illegitimate son from one of his many affairs; milk cows; feed chickens and collect eggs; tend to garden; wash linens; repair feather bed; darn socks
8:00 – 11:00 am – Open Ben’s dry goods store and handle all manner of accounting, sales and transactions while he sits on the ass I washed earlier; listen to Ben and his crazy ideas — blah blah blah; chop wood for cooking midday meal
12:00 – 1:00 pm – Prepare midday meal for Ben; fend off Stamp Act rioters and successfully stop them from burning our house down; apologize to Ben for not listening closely to his new lending library idea while fending off Stamp Act rioters; listen to Ben prattle on about how much more obedient and affectionate common-law wives in London are than myself
2:00 – 5:00 pm – Clean kitchen and return unused rations to larder; return all correspondence to Ben’s political allies and rivals; birth baby; oversee construction of larger house to accommodate Ben’s library; plan Ben’s upcoming trip overseas for “the big printing press expo”
6:00 – 9:00 pm – Chop wood for cooking supper; prepare supper for Ben and illegitimate stepson; teach illegitimate stepson how to read and write; say nothing when that lush Thomas Jefferson shows up unannounced and takes Ben out gallivanting; make tallow soap to wash Ben’s ass in the morning
10:00 pm – 12:00 am – Put illegitimate stepson to bed; work on stitching for embroidery sampler (a gift for my annoying mother-in-law) while waiting up for Ben and Tommy J because they’ll only wake me up anyway with their fake teeth clattering when they get home; chop wood to prepare “late-night munchies” snack for Ben and Tommy J; yell at Ben and Tommy J when they start talking about “getting the band back together” and jammin’ too loud on the violin and glass armonica outside
12:00 – 1:00 am – Prepare bed in barn for Tommy J and listen to him prattle on about how many chicks he’d bagged just by telling them he was “THAT Declaration of Independence guy” and that “Monticello needs a woman’s touch”; go into house, wash and dress for bed, and listen to Ben drunkenly ask if I want to see his “lightning rod”
1:00 – 2:00 am – Climb ladder and check on kite during thunderstorm; write down “Ben’s observations”
2:00 – 3:00 am – Try to rest, but get repeatedly awakened by Ben’s snoring and talking in his sleep, especially when he assures some floozy in his dreams that “he’d never think of her as a low woman”
3:00 – 4:00 am – Kill large spider in barn so Tommy J stops shrieking like a girl; coax his still-drunk ass out of the rafters
4:00 – 4:45 am – Sleep fitfully
5:00 – 7:00 am – Rise, wash Ben’s clothing, feet and ass; powder Ben’s wig; chop wood for cooking breakfast…
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